"This is some trash." Afterwards, Andrae walked up to me with is Take-A-Break card and muttered, "Sorry Ms. Erica," but I was already rattled. I knew trying to hold class for two hours after our third day of morning testing wasn't going to result in tremendously deep thinking, nor particularly high motivation around behavior, but I still couldn't help but feel agitated by the animal noises my oh so clever 13 year old boys were bouncing around the room. So when Victor said, "Why is today so boring?" to no one in particular, I responded, "Step outside Victor." I stepped out before I was ready, and he became the object of my frustrated lecture.
"I will not allow that kind of attitude in my room, Victor. I understand this has been a hard day but if you can't be here, then you can't come back in. You can't call that out while I'm giving directions that 'this class is boring'. That's not nice," my voice was loud and stern. I could hear the titters of the sixth graders working in the hallway behind me, but I didn't care, or worse, did care and wanted them to hear too.
"But it wasn't even whole class direction time."
"Stop arguing."
"But you were just telling people to go over the..."
"Stop arguing, Victor. Furthermore, this was not the first time. You came into this class with an attitude."
"No, I was just joking around at the beginning. I actually felt fine. Tell me what I did that showed I had attitude."
I paused because I actually couldn't think of anything. "Right. The joking around doesn't show you're ready to learn, Victor. I know it's been a hard day, but we need to finish strong. Do you understand?"
I knelt beside him. He nodded. And it was over.
I was frustrated by the class, and Victor became the target, though really his infraction was minor and his responses were fairly legit. I just didn't want him responding because I wanted a platform to vent from, not a conversation with him to help him get back on track and feel heard.
Not a my most proud or mindful of moments. Later, I went back and apologized. "Oh, I don't care, my sister gives it to me all day," was his response. I tried to explain that I still didn't think it was right and I think it's important for people to apologize when they didn't do what was right. "I don't accept your apology..Psych, nah! It's fine Ms. Erica. Really."
It was interesting to see how easy it was for him to let go of this moment, and made me think that I probably could let it go too. I'm glad I apologized, but also glad to know the kid is not psychologically damaged from my verbal misstep. His forgiveness suggested I could probably go a little easier on them, and myself.
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Gratitudes for April 3, 2014: making space for morning sits, new ukulele songs to learn, rooftop crossword puzzle group for last period, connect four competition post-testing, grading progress, warm night walks to Thai dinner in good company, large-trunked trees, bike riding to and from school once again, power naps, humility to apologize and forgiving students
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