Another soggy oreo, please.

So, after 6 weeks of intensive mindfulness practice, wherein I built a consistent practice of 1/2 hour sitting a day and regularly checking in with myself for mindful thoughts and behaviors, I was released from my Mindfulness Fundamentals Course to fly on my own.  Without all that heavy scaffolding of weekly check-ins and guided audios, I quickly found myself beating my wings erratically before plummeting towards my certain demise at full speed.  What this looked like out-of-metaphor was this: Me, alone in the house, shoveling heavy chocolate cake with multi-colored icing into my face, followed by two soggy oreos, followed by an orange soda (Orange soda?  Really?  I haven't had that drink since I was 11).  I feel like I'm in a backlash phase.

Because it did feel amazing to complete the six weeks and really bring the practice into my life.  I saw the benefits.  All the things they tell you in the books are true: I was more level-headed, could see reality more clearly, felt more joy, blah, blah, blah.  So why, the second someone is not telling me to do it, even if it just some internet support person whom I've never made real human contact with, do I flounder?  Do I reach for the peanut butter jar for one more spoonful after finishing the banana?  Do I resist sitting and start hitting snooze again?

Today, I watched myself with fascination as I read "Dear Carolyn"'s advice column in the Post and shoveled a second piece of cake onto my plate, making sure to smear it with extra icing.  I marveled at my desire to shove a second cookie in my mouth, even as my stomach felt distended from a recent dinner.  I wondered at the orange soda as a final choice.  I actually did see all these choices I was making, and was in awe.

Usually I get angry at myself for these kinds of self destructive behaviors, and then end the experience heavily laden with guilt.  It turns out guilt does little beyond making me want to reach for one more snack to shift my attention away from feeling badly about myself.  Guilt does little to help me figure out why I'm making those kinds of choices.

So today, I strive for curiosity.  After all, why is it a part of the human experience to do things we know, up and down, make us less happy?  Instead of hating on myself, I chose to wonder, what is this special kind of lunacy we are all capable of?  And maybe that's the gift of those first six weeks of practice.  To observe, even nonsensical behavior, nonjudgmentally.  I just hope my next phase in this process results in fewer belly aches.

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Gratitudes for April 1:  voting (doing my civic duty), planning period latte runs, jacket off tank top bike riding, finishing my taxes (refund, woot woot!), morning sit, colleagues who make silly encouraging music videos, choosing introversion time, porch ukulele time, quiet, clear night skies,