The Human Mirror

I left teaching at my current school for many reasons.  Mostly, I didn't like the way I was feeling emotionally on a day-to-day basis, despite all the self-care strategies I was using.  I was sleeping well, eating well, exercising, and meditating in the mornings.  I still left at the end of the day feeling ragged.  My Sundays were still spent with a heavy lump in my chest pouring over lesson plans and student work for the coming week.  I was working really hard for my happiness, but it just felt...bad.

I felt like I needed some time away from the classroom, so I started constructing a vision of an alternative life as an outside provider of mindfulness, or tutoring, or teaching yoga, or monitoring a rock wall.  I imagined coaching willing participants through yoga poses and meditations.  I imagined waking up on Sundays and taking leisurely runs without the strain of Monday looming.  I imagined coming home on a Thursday night and staying awake long enough to see the darkness of night.  I imagined feeling peace.  It felt...good.

But then, as fate/well-meaning mothers would have it, my mom forwarded me a job posting for teaching middle school English at an expeditionary learning school in Portland.  One of the best in the country.  Exactly the role I filled at my old school.  It was too perfect.  I had to apply.  I had to get on a plane to interview.  I had to be offered the job.  I had to accept it.

All of this with so little thought, but lots of dedication, to the cause.

Until things started to get shaky.  My certification that we were all waiting on was taking forever.  When it came through, I was missing 12 English credit hours.  I spent 24 hours straight (I didn't sleep that night) wracking my brain about how I could take 4 classes in the next two months. There are online self-paced classes.  I could study every spare minute and eek it out.  I could do it. But I can't.

As I agonized over this decision, I bounced it off of friends near and far.  They had so many suggestions and words of encouragement.  Can't you long-term sub?  Can't they work something out? You can push through this sumer and get those credits in!  I found myself growing angry with them.  No, no, and no.  It's a big bureaucracy.  There are no loopholes.  I can't do that much work while traveling and moving.

In fact, my primary response to this whole situation was rage.  Rage at the injustice of it all.  I have a certification, a master's degree, and five years of teaching in the very role they are seeking to fill. You're saying I'm not qualified?  This is how the system works?  A first year teacher straight out of school would be a better fit?  I could not accept it.

Until.

Until I explained the whole situation to a friend over the phone, who stated simply, "Well, it sounds like you just don't want to do it."

Huh. I hadn't really fully digested that possibility.  Maybe I just don't want to do it.  My primary emotion was anger around the absurdity of it all, not disappointment at not getting to teach next year.  I was frustrated with my friends for trying to fix the situation. Maybe I didn't want it fixed.

Until my friend provided that mirror for me, I couldn't see clearly what I really wanted.  My vision was clouded by the perfection and ease of the possibility of working at that reputable school.  By the knowing that I would be great in that role, and the school could really use me.  By the security of moving with a job and salary lined up.  These are all incredibly valuable truths.

But maybe not the only Truth.

There are people who believe the universe, or God, helps us align with our true calling.  Or that, "Way Opens," according to the Quakers.  I've never really settled into any particular belief system without my fierce skepticism quickly tackling the idea and wrestling around with it, but I also never fully walked away from this line of thought.   It is comforting to think that perhaps it wasn't meant to be in a grander sense, and that the universe has other plans for me.  I don't know if it even matters if that's the real truth if it serves me.  And the universe did seem to be listening on this one.

Moments after I had mentally and emotionally let go of the prospect of teaching, my dear friend announced to me over chat that she was coming back to Maine to lead yoga retreats.  In less than half an hour, we had the seed of a business plan.

I don't yet know how this is all going to unfold.  There is a slight chance the school will get back to me with a work around.  The dreams with my yoga lady friend are still just dreams.  But I feel more at peace than I have through this whole process.

Our emotions serve as important cues that we are quick to ignore in the face of logical choices.  My ire, instead of disappointment, was an important nuance that I couldn't see at the time until someone came and saw it for me.  I didn't see my friends' questions and suggestions as support because I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to solve the problem.  Sometimes we need others to help us more clearly see our own path.  If we don't like what they say, that's information to collect and interpret.  If we resonate with their beliefs, that's also information to ponder.

So to all my mirrors: I thank you.