There's nothing better at bringing you back to the real world after a week-long retreat than an indecipherable email from your incompetent land management company claiming your house owes "nearly $1000" (apparently they are unclear on the exact amount) from some time over the past 2 years of it being inhabited (with the full ledger attached) and requiring we "send send" a check right away.
After one week of retreat, of sitting in silence for 2 1/2 days, of listening to profound talks and inspiring lessons, there was only one response.
I had to rapidly shoot off a mouthy email to my roommates: This email is f***ing insane!" I only realized aforementioned management company was still looped into the email chain as I watched "sending" repeat on the bottom of my screen. I haven't enabled undo send on my email yet(put that on my to do list), so my rapid thumb-punching had zero impact on the progress of the transaction. It was done.
Oops.
Mindful Erica= 0. World= 1.
I spent a few minutes post-send swallowing a huge lump back in my throat and enduring waves of panic. 'I was in super ninja mindfulness training camp and THIS is my first move back in the world???' I couldn't believe it. My head started to spin. 'I want to teach this to people? I'm an idiot! The oldest mistake in the book!! Gahhhh!!' And on and on until...
"Now what?"
The question came to me. The same question I had spent cultivating in the hours and hours of meditating from the week before. Okay, so I screwed up. What happens next? With that question I noticed my mind pause. And so I asked again. And again. Each time I asked my mind slowed for a moment and I noticed breath. The chatter of folks around me. The hum of the bus wheels churning against pavement.
"Now what?"
I wrote an apology email to the management company for my message born from frustration. My roommates were delighted at my faux pas and wrote back in glee. My mom laughed with me as I noted the great irony of the situation.
It was an unskillful response, no doubt. My mindfulness was a bit delayed out of the gate. But the, "Now what?" let me recognize where I was and stop the story I was making up, so I could clearly see what was actually happening next. So that I could choose a skillful response.
Mindful Erica= 1/2?
Right on - the pause that refreshes. How fundamentally great it is to see other people aren't nearly as hard on you as you yourself might be. You got something important from the retreat by pausing, breathing in, transitioning, breathing out, acting differently. Ahhhhh
ReplyDeleteThanks for the response. The retreat was powerful, even if slow to manifest :)
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