In having left the classroom after five years, I have finally found myself in a place where I can do so much that I've always wanted to do: "...sit by the window when it rains and read books...paint because I want to...listen to my body..." And more... repetitively strum the ukulele with no thought for song recall, cook a meal and eat it one bite at a time, write letters to friends around the country, wake up with the sun shining around the curtains. It is so luxurious to have this wealth of time.
Back in Washington, D.C., it was normal to wake before sunrise and return home well into the evening. It was expected that people sat in coffee shops on weekends with spillover work, ate most meals out of the house, and scheduled friend dates one right after the next so never was there an afternoon to fritter away. Unscheduled time, the rare occasion when it came up, was met with confusion and unease.
I don't want to work in overdrive my whole life only to begin finding space in my old age. I wonder why it is that this is the advanced civilization that we've created. Is this really how we want our lives to go? The constant pushing to do, to perform, to better, to acquire is exhausting.
And yet.
Too little structure and I find my life becomes shapeless and vapid. I find myself whiling away my days with endless streaming Netflix and Facebook and handfuls of popcorn. Also, not inconsequentially, I find my savings rapidly depleting. I do not thrive when I am let loose in the universe with little to hold me in place. For myself, I like a box. Not a tight box, mind you, but one which prevents me from dissipating into nothingness. I like having something to work in and push against, as long as it isn't too small.
The quote above is not quite right for me, I guess. I don't, "just want to be, boundless and infinite." I want to balance that being with doing. There are many things that can be done to contribute to this world, and it feels important to me to do one of those things. I want to earn my keep by providing service to others. I want to have days full of purpose and meaning.
One of Pantanjali's most quoted yoga sutra states, "Sthira Sukkham Asanam." This means the posture should be steady AND easeful. We need both.
My life quest is to find that balance between Popcorn-munching Neftflix-watching Couch-potatoeing and Endless Email-responding Overscheduled Work-worship. I would guess that the sweet spot looks different for different people, but we all crave the balance.
Because that equilibrium point is always shifting, it is like approaching infinity, and we are likely never able to get it just right. I swung hard out of my years of teaching and efforting into the opposite extreme of underemployment and relaxation. Now I work to bring myself back towards the midline, so that I might both give something of value to the world and continue to cultivate inner wellbeing as I do it.
